Choked

The title is like what it is because I had this choking sensation since i woke up. I have no idea why. Probably due to the lack of oxygen. I tried inhaling deeply to no avail.

It feels somewhat interesting when I saw a friend is writing about song meaning today. I myself have been thinking of putting one or two lines out of any lyric that i like as the beginning of my post but is still in the midst of compiling them, so I have not come to do it. People put quotes or poem in the beginning of their post so I thought I want to put song. You could say that I copied them but its only because I find that style will better explain myself. I had chosen lyric because I rarely read any poetry at all. Further, people's taste in music vary so the chances are even when people did the same thing as me they wouldn't choose the same particular line of the lyric.

Talking about lyric, I almost cried when I listened to I need a doctor by Eminem(ft Dr.Dre & Skylar Grey). Of course I am not into profanities but I had this soft spot about anything concerning loyalty, friendship and chivalry. I can see how strong the bond between Dr. Dre and Eminem (at least as its depicted in the lyric). Thats the very thing that I have been trying to maintain and search in my friends all my life. I know that my standard is too high and I am probably not that perfect either. But I always tried my best to be the best kind of friend to people that I am close to. Previously I expect the same return from them but after many years I realized that its useless to hope for that (I am sorry to say this but this is how I feel) and I should just be my definition of 'best' to many close friends and hope they sometimes return it back. This line of thinking made me happier especially in situation when I really need someone by my side and one of them came to my house just because I feel like that.

penatnye

Saya nak beritahu semua orang yang setiap kali saya memandu jauh dari rumah atau UIA seorang diri mesti saye sesat.
mase balik dari PWTC dulu sesat sampai PJ baru dapat balik umah. hari ni, nak g IKEA tapi jalan jam jadi saya patah balik and singgah Cheras Leisure Mall. tapi nak g CLM pun sampai dua kali salah masuk jalan (ini setiap kali nak pegi sana aku mesti buat sesat yg sama) pastu ade ke patut aku nak masuk MRR2 mase nak balik umah tadi ta[i termasuk jalan hape tah, pastu sesat sampai Bangi baru leh sampai umah. aku tekanan dengan diri sendiri sebab kene tol sampai RM1 x 3 = RM3.00. pastu minyak lagik.
menci betol la. padehal aku ni dahlah independent. tak cool la asyik sesat jek. grrrr.
okay, takpe, lupekan sume ini.
esok, hari yang sungguh sebok. Gerald dah amik half day leave just to go out with me to the warehouse sale. but i received a call from a legal firm to come for an interview tomorrow. i am so hoping i can (no, i must) make it to see Gerald or i am dead. i'll freak out at myself again if i couldnt make it. i think i'll make it. thats life. everything must happen at the same time and sometimes nothing happen at all.
okay, flat aku (sebenarnye flat mak aku) sudah siap dipagari dengan grill. ciri2 keselamatan sudah lengkap. besok atau lusa mak aku akan pegi kedai lampu dan beli lampu sambil memastikan servis pemasangan pun available sekali. ini kerana adik lelaki aku merangkap technician keluarga sedang menjalani final exam. aku buat pertama kalinye sudah melihat flat tersebut pada hari ini. aku cukup berpuas hati dengan keadaannye. tidak terlalu besar atau kecil bagi orang bujang mcm aku nih. hehe. besok aku bz, jadi maybe lusa aku akan kesana dan menjalankan proses pembersihan. aku dah beli pencuci lantai anti bakteria di Giant tadi. lepas tu, aku akan berpindah masuk. sekarang aku dalam proses nak iklankan bilik untuk disewa. yela, takkan aku sorang2 jek dok kat situ. walaupun aku sendiri tak kisah tapi eloklah aku tak dok sensorang kan. ciri2 housemate yg aku nak: practicing Muslim, pakai tudung, tutup aurat, female, hygenic. sekarang ada dua bilik kosong. dekat dengan stesen komuter serdang. sape2 yg berminat sila emel aku takpun letak je komen kat sini. haha. oh, sewa aku tak decide lagi tapi sebijik rumah between rm450-550 je kot, jadi pepandai la bahagi sendiri. bilik ada tiga tapi master bedroom of course aku yg punye.

Muslimah

those two last papers was really tough. I wont be surprised if for the first time I'm going to retake a subject. talking about being a repeaters, i have this ex-friend who repeats papers. Recently, she called me a bad muslimah and not amanah. well, i kinda dont get her definition of good muslimah or amanah. because my informers told me she skipped classes and tutorials, didnt do her course works, even had the gut to tell my friend to lie to a lecturer because she have not finished her work. that aside, how can a good muslimah and an amanah calls another person as not? Sure, i am defective in every ways.
but haha, i dont think i am as bad as that.
so what i'm thinking is i might be nearly on the same level as her when i do repeat a paper. heck, how can an amanah person and good muslimah repeats three subjects? here's what i want to propose. if i do repeat subject next semester i'm gonna believe you that i am as stupid as you. trust me, i am really degrading myself here. I really do not hate you. I just hate your stupidity and am allergic to it. haish, how can i be so sharp. but in return, i am allowing you to revel on my downfall should i really fall next semester. btw, i have a nickname for you: MUSLIMAH. thats a good name lah.
may u REALLY WILL turn out as a MUSLIMAH. (amin). like they said, love your enemy (though u arent) and they'll hate you for it.
i repeat, u're not my enemy coz just dont flatter yourself kay, i am my own worst enemy. why this sudden reference to this Muslimah? well, just now after exam i was really scared and feeling like a mountain is sitting above me. suddenly, out of the blue our faces met and we looked into each other's eyes. and i am like: YA ALLAH IS THIS MY FUTURE LOOKING BACK AT ME? yeah baby, this is what will happen to you if your result is bad.
Sheeesh, i'm a monster.
I wanted to breath fire. and you just happen to be right in front of me.
I plead insanity.
btw, please read my disclaimer if you dont like what you read. lol.

Note: I checked my draft today (28/2/2010) and found this entry. when i wrote it (17/4/2009) i decided not to publish it because its not nice and i dont want any bad karma come haunting me on my exam results. however, i have finished all my exams. i have technically graduated. plus, that certain someone have no chance to revel on my downfall since i didnt fall. and the reason why i want to publish it now is because i disagree at how people can go on labeling people another while pretending that they are holier. Maybe i dont take criticisms positively. maybe....
There are some people that i know that i believe are holier than me. and i dont resent it. in fact, i admired them. i have no problem against people that are holy or whatever.
I have a problem against people who are not aware that they might be beneath me.
Perhaps i am saying things harshly. However, i have always behave rightly in my social life. I acted according to my principles. some people may say that i am blunt, brutally honest, brutal, scary, intimidating and etc etc. But not one of it involves me taking anything from anybody. I always believe in placing things in its rightful place. what i take is what i interpreted as mine to take.
and i was never jealous of other people about what i dont have. because its not mine to jealous about.
In short i dont understand why people acted dramatically towards me. whereas i hated drama the most. i live my life to avoid drama. Only Allah knows how tired i am of the drama of my life.
I seem to be repeating myself here, but when i disagree with something i say pointedly about what i disagree about but when nothing change i walk away. simple. no drama.

Movin' out

Soooooo, the exam is over. as usual, I (and you) only realized what we have been studying this whole semester those 24 hours before the examination. Makes me wonder whats the point i've been attending all those classes and missed a lot of sleep and fun. I mean, we totally can just dont go to class, consult lecturers only to receive tutorial questions, or assignments etc etc for our CAM. but we totally CAN DO IT without classes. Its totally archaic to go to classes. we dont even have much LECTURES but we go to CLASSES. The only difference between this place and my old high school are: (a) i have to get in and out of different classes after one hour, (b) i can choose my own time, (c) choose the lecturer (teacher? er, how can we have a lecturer when we have class not lecture?) i mean TOTALLY RIDICULOUS.
talking bout ridiculousness. As usual, another admin probs that simply wont go away until everyone get up and educate themselves and upgrade their brain.
This semester, i had to fully vacate the hostel (mahallah) and not allowed to leave anything in the store. I've been thinking on how to transport all these stuff i have from level 3 to car park. So i get this idea to apply to the mahallah to be allowed to get my brother to help me move out using this old form that i had collected a few semesters back. Today, the staff told me that the form is no longer in use and i am not allowed to bring my brother. I thought about writing some 5 pages of complaint but thought the better of it. all i am asking is one hour for me any my bro clear out the room. !#$@#$@$%@$. will think about the solution later. plus, BOXES, i really need some BOXES. i am too tired to solve my moving out probs right now. I am writing now because i must clear my brain and put it out in my blog fore i can go to bed.

(this paragraph will not be published)

TQ LIZA

haha, i forgot when was the last time i had my own birthday cake. Was it 6-7 years ago?
anyway, this is very thoughtful of Liza. Really really appreciate this.
Anyway, thanks to all.
I had a very meaningful day studying for Public International Law I exam on my birthday. lol.

Anak Abdul Karim

Dah dua kali aku salah sangka dengan anak abdul karim.
it would seem that my pre-judgment cannot be trusted when it comes to Anak Abd Karim. Usually my 'judge the book by its cover' or first impression or intuition works perfectly with anyone. if i like that person on first meeting there's 99.9% chance that that person is likeable by me.

First case:
it was during short semester in matriculation centre. i just took one subject for fun to ease my burden for subjects for my last semester. actually it isnt a burden, i just took it for fun. there was no usual friends during short semester so i was pretty much lone ranger. played the Sims 2 during my free of class hours. it can be said my whole short semester consist of the Sims 2. I used to like to sit in second row from the front. I noticed this one girl with dark aura all over her. hahah. so i thought to myself the first time i saw her 'okay, i want nothing to do with this one...'. from that day onwards, my brain completely shut down around her and thus i successfully ignored her existence. but funnily enough we always sat side by side. one day, yeah one day, she started a conversation with me. i mean, she asked something (forgot la if its about the subject or stationery). i was surprised by the tone of her voice. it was polite and soft. and i thought 'wait, this doesnt suit her dark aura or my first impression'.
after that she is a friend that stick to me until now through my ups and downs and pretty much there most of the time when i was in deep shit. how many years is it now? her name is
NURULFIZAH ABDUL KARIM.... and the rest is history.

Second Case:
This semester i took UNGS2050: Ethics & fiqh for Everyday life. this is the last of my UNGS subject. normally people do not take UNGS subjects during the final year. well, its all because of my dilly dally. furthermore, this is a second year subject. i am a person who is quite inconsistent. i mean, i took methods of da'wah (third year subject) during my first year. funnily enough i end up pretty much lone ranger again in this class. surrounded by juniors. so i pretty much ignored everyone because my first impression on them was 'this people annoys me' and 'they should be ashamed for being a Muslim' it was all because each one of them never help the old and fragile looking lecturer. they can just leave him with his forgetfullness in taking class key or his illiteracy of computer. never offering a hand. well, i was annoyed with the lecturer too, but i will be very sorry if something happens to him if i did not do anything so i'm the one who ended up being a doorwomen and technician pretty much the whole semester. anyway, there was an open book test one day. it covers topics that we havent learned. There was this girl that my brain automatically shut down against but she was always beside me in class. i pretty much didnt notice her existence until the test. somehow, i was kind enough to lend her my advanced notes because i had my laptop and internet with me. i had to pass my notes to her a few times. i was quite annoyed that i even witheld my advanced notes until some time had passed even though i'm not using them. at first, i just gave her the notes that we have learned and i thought that was kind enough of me. so anyway, one day (again), the lecturer announced that he wanted us to do a book review or chapter review and a presentation. i was quite pissed off because the semester is ending and i need to study for finals. on the next class i asked this girl is she had done hers. and told her that i might never do it because i had no time. on the next class, she offered to put my name on her book review that she had done. being a prejudiced towards her, i said i will try to do on my own first and if i couldnt i will contact her for her help but i gave her my details anyway. and she agreed. on the next class, she was about to submit her book review and Alhamdullillah she put my name on it because i have no time to do it. i asked if i can read it before she submit and she agreed (prejudice!!!!) and it was a good one. i complimented her work and asked 'why do you want to help me?' she said, 'because you helped me with my test'.... OMG i mean this is one person who know how to return a favor and i was so prejudiced! AND her work is such a great blessing for me because i REALLY had no time and will to do it. her name was IZZAH ABDUL KARIM. and i was left with a pang of guilt and asked myself 'was this karma? destiny?'.

by the way those two arent related at all and doesnt know each other. but another similarity is: both of them are from Penang. NURULFIZAH ABDUL KARIM = Georgetown. IZZAH ABDUL KARIM = Gelugor.
OMG i just noticed that they are from a town that started with a 'G'
should i freak out or what?!

p/s: but i mostly should freak out that i am writing this post when i should have been studying!

Sehari Untuk Nadia Zawani @ Iruka

Nadia adalah kawan aku sejak aku kanak-kanak hingusan. kalau tak silap, aku dah mengenali dia semenjak umur aku 7-8 tahun. Rupa-rupanya dah lebih 14 tahun kami berkawan. begitu pantasnya masa berlalu. Beliau adalah seorang artis (pelukis/seniman) yang sedang meningkat naik. sekarang ini dia sedang di tahun akhir Bachelor of Arts & Design (Fine Arts) di Uitm Shah Alam dan merupakan antara pelajar terbaik jurusan itu. boleh dikatakan kalau si Nadia ni melukis sempoi-sempoi, setakat RM300 memang lepas la. aku sendiri memiliki tiga buah karya si Nadia @ Iruka nih (aku mmg bijak kerana merembat karya dia seblom dia menjadi popular. ahaks). Sepanjang hari ni (7/3/2009), aku melepak dengan dia jek. maklumlah sudah berzaman kami tak berjumpe. sejak masing2 memiliki haluan hidup sendiri kami jarang hang out. aku pun sudah lupa bila kali terakhir kitorang hang out.
NAdia menghubungi aku pada malam semalam (6/3/2009) untuk bertanya samada aku free. kebetulan aku teringat kat dia je 2-3 hari ni sebab besday dia 8 MArch. setelah berbincang sesama sendiri Nadia setuju datang ke Gombak semata-mata untuk berjumpa dengan aku. Untuk itu aku telah reserve sepanjang hari ni khas untuk dia. sanggup aku menunggu laundry aku siap di mesin pada pukul 2.40pagi dan siap dijemur pada pukul 3 pagi supaya by the time aku nak hang out ngan dia kain aku dah siap kering. Tengahari tadi aku menjemput dia di Terminal Putra.
lepas tu aku belanja dia makan kat Restoran Syed di Tmn MElawati kerana dia telah bersusah payah datang dari Kg. Malaysia Tambahan (dan jugak sebab besoknye besday dia. hehe). lepas dah kenyang dan habis bersembang dan update tentang member-member sekolah Nadia menjemput aku melawat galeri di KL. Ada opening ceremony artis yg terkenal yg wajar dilihat katanya. aku pun out of curiosity menjadi excited nak tengok.
Aku pun memandu masuk KL seperti rusa masuk kampung. sampai je di sana terserempak dengan geng-geng seperjuangan Nadia, dua perempuan dan empat lelaki. aku tak sempat bertanya nama. sorang je dpt - OS. peramah betul si Os tu. yang lain mcm malu-malu. aku lagile jenis tak tanye nama sangat. aku kagum melihat artworks seniman bernama Meme yg byk mengambil inspirasi dari lagu-lagu Slipknot dan My Chemical Romance. Untuk lebih detail tentang Art dan lawatan aku ke galeri tu, sile rujuk Post aku: Art Appreciator

Iruka (left) observing Meme's artworks.

Senikah?

Meme's Artwork in Diary form.

PAstu kami gerak ke KLCC plak untuk melawat Galeri Petronas. kat sini takleh ambik gambar. tapi takpelah, aku pun mmg tak minat sgt artworks yg ada disini. 17 Feb - 15 March adalah pameran karya Jeganathan Ramachandran bertajuk Human Watching. juga dipamerkan karya-karya Juhari Said, Zulkifli Yusoff, Shahrul Jamili dan Izan Tahir (five contemporary MAlaysian printmakers) yang bertajuk Go-Block. (goblock? haha). memanglah hari ni hari lawatan sambil belajar Seni untuk aku. Nadia menerangkan banyak teknik-teknik menghasilkan seni kat aku. Aku sebetulnye memang meminati seni. masalahnye aku tiada bakat. tapi takpe, aku bleh jadi art appreciator. haha. sekadar menghargai tapi tidak melukis. Mase kami kecik-kecik kat sekolah rendah dulu, selalu duduk kat belakang dan melukis manga (komik) sama-sama. kire kitorang dah lama jadik mangaka la. pastu kitorang tukar-tukar dan baca komik yg dilukis. memanglah sejak dulu kini dan selamanya lukisan nadia lebih cantik. ade satu mase kecik-kecik dulu aku jeles gile ngan dia dan hairan pesal aku takleh lukis cantik camtu. haha. tapi skrg aku bangge ngan nadia malah aku bersyukur dia memiliki bakat tersebut yang boleh mengisi periuk nasi dia. malah aku telah suka dengan lukisan-lukisan dia semenjak kami sama-sama di sekolah menengah. namun begitu, dulu aku pernah gak la menang saguhati pertandingan mewarna majalah Ujang dan juga johan pertandingan melukis anak-anak alumni SDAR. (aku tetap nak membuktikan bahawa aku takdelah buta seni sangat. ahahaha).
Keluar dari KLCC aku drive ke OU plak. Nadia nak g MPH untuk mencari bahan untuk artworks dia. aku pun sempat membeli seketul buku Charles Dickens bertajuk Little Dorrit yang kini telah banyak kali diadaptasikan menjadi filem. aku berjaya mencari edisi yang berharga RM13.90 berbanding edisi-edisi lain yang berharga RM35 ke atas. well, memanglah hodoh sikit cover buku aku ni tapi aku tak kisah. yang penting isinya. Nadia pun turut membeli buku Jane Austen yang bertajuk Emma. cashier kat situ junior kami di SMKSS. aku siyes tak ingat muka dia. alang-alang sebaya ngan aku pun aku dah lupe inikan plak junior. sahlah aku mmg tak amik tau pasal orang mase sekolah dulu. atau adekah ni bermakna aku dan Nadia popular kat sekolah? haha.
apepepun kami beramah mesra jugak la dengan dia semasa membayar. tapi sampai sudah muka dia tidak menimbulkan apepe ingatan di memori ku. awek tersebut berkata yang dia kini tinggal dekat2 kawasan OU gak. Nadia cakap bdak tu dulu kelas sciences. aku pun di dalam hati berasa kasihan dengan budak tu sebab last-last kami bdak arts stream gak yg maju dalam kehidupan (yeke?).
pastu kami pun balik. hari pun dah malam dan hujan lebat menemani kami sepanjang perjalanan ke Terminal Putra dari OU. Kerana hari sudah malam kami tidak sempat dinner bersama sebab Nadia kene naik tren nak balik umah. atas sebab-sebab yg tidak dapat dielakkan aku tak dapat nak mempermudahkan lagi perjalanan dia selain dari menghantar dia ke Terminal Putra. Aku beberapa kali cuba memujuk dia untuk tidur je kat Mahallah aku. tapi atas sebab-sebab yg tidak dpt dielakkan gak dia tidak dapat singgah.
Dengan itu berakhirlah reunion kami.

P/S: Happy Birthday to Nadia Zawani. My friend. 8th March 2009.

"If you could say, with truth, to your own solitary heart, to-night, 'I have secured to myself the love and attachment, the gratitude or respect, of no human creature; I have won myself a tender place in no regard; I have done nothing good or serviceable to be remembered by!' your seventy-eight years would be seventy-eight heavy curses; would they not?"
Charles Dickens: A Tale of Two Cities


On the contrary my friend, you certainly have the love and attachment of your family, the gratitude and respect of your friends and a tender place in my heart. You've had a 23 years of meaningful life. - Sarah.

Dunno whether i should publish this

Ah, I've embarrassed myself again. how could i let out my own emotion to someone i shouldnt? and in the first place.... how could i became passionate about people who were unable to grasp the reason behind my outbursts? and then it made me bursts my dissatisfactions to a stranger. or at least, a friend who shouldnt know. again and again i did exactly what i shouldnt have done: "never argue with an idiot. they drag you down to their level and beat you with experience". well thats not exactly what it meant in my situation. but nevertheless, it can be applied like this: "never feel for an idiot coz they will never get you". ah, now thats a philosophical view for my Gerald aint it? now now, I am not depressed over this. my life is miserable enough as it is. so i have no time to be depressed over this (did i just repeat myself twice?) what i am feeling is.... annoyance quite a negative feeling that could add up to my misery but not that serious. PEOPLE, why is it freedom of choice doesnt apply in friendship? coz i really would like to exercise that rights. the older i get, the more difficult for me to exercise it. people who are close to me know that i have a history (or rather, histories) of dumping a close friend because i dont agree with their attitudes. because i'd rather be friendless than be friends with people who dont appreciate the meaning of friendship. I told Fiza: "for me its like this: if u r just someone i know then whatever u do is ok (i dont care), but if ure my best/close friend...its either ure my best/close friend or you're not. you're the 'not' when you do something that made me think that u're not my best friend". So long ago I wrote that I am a friend who took friendship seriously. because thats the closest I get to doting family. i really appreciate it when someone enjoyed my friendship or like to be around me. I still feel and think the same. I cant choose my family. but i can choose my best friends. I dont want to be best friends with (in no particular order): 1) people with low EQ. 2) people who gets on my nerve or is simply annoying. 3) people who dont understand what i mean when i said something deep. 4) people who committed hudud crimes 5) people who committed almost like hudud crimes 6) people who calculates whether my company is better than what they can currently get in order to be with me. 7) people who ditch me for Paris Hilton and the likes. 8) immature people 9) pathetic people 10) people who doesnt have thoughts of their own. 11) sexually disoriented people. 12) people who thinks i am a waste of time and money. 13) people that most people generally hated. 14) indecisive people 15) most importantly, someone who doesnt share or have a common view of a friendship with yours truly. 16) a combination of any of the above. do me a favor if u r any of the above. stay away from me. at least, until u throw away that bad attribute. coz someone told me that i shouldnt exercise my freedom of choice. to avoid conflicts. coz my life is complicated enough without you. enough about that. now i would like to deal with someone from my past...