Trance

My writers block these days came at shorter intervals. plus, when it came....my blog became the desert for quite some time.
right, even now i didnt know what is it actually that i wanted to write. the accumulation of things that i want to write made me numb and my brain went blank.
After coming back from medical leave, i feel like i'm losing track (as i have expected before the leave). the hectic life as a law student made me unable to catch what i missed. i just have to go forward with the current topics for all subjects. Even without the leave issue. i still feel like everything is a dream and i am living in a trance. my heart is no longer in it. One lawyer once commented on why i hate Equity and Trust. she said 'maybe its the lecturer.' For that subject...what she said is true. i hate that subject because the lecturer is annoyingly psycho. but what about now? well, the lecturers are all equally pressure giver, nothing's different. I dont know....perhaps, coupled with one poyo guy for a lecturer plus everyone seem to go gaga over him (i heard nothing new from him which is y i cant understand y...any why...and why...) i just seem to begin losing interest.
Apart from that, its the people issue too. I am actually a skeptic - which means i always believe that one day people will show its true colour. it's just a matter of time. Many people were uneasy with my bluntness and the 'swiftness' of decision. However, in my defense at least you know what to expect from me and will always know what i think and who i am, what is my policy, how i decide. I will never change. But for many people out there....how long do you think until they will behave differently? One day they are your friend and the next day they stab you behind your back etc etc (well maybe not next day, maybe one year or four years later. but still). If i disagree with anything i will just move away from it. and 'it' will know. so whatever happens next is not a surprise. in the war you see, i prefer the chivalrous method. the headlong method where your enemy will see you.
Today, i didnt mean to be understood. what you read is just a fragment of how my mind works. trust me. you wont understand.
What i want to say next is....
My philosophy is that everything is fair and balanced. sometimes i just let myself be used. i became nicer etc etc. that was just a repercussion of what people did to me. that people are nice to me. they became useful to me one way or another. so when they made themselves 'disagreeable' i just let it pass because i used their kindness as a neutralizer. but i'm just afraid the neutralizer will dry if i couldnt find the refill.
the thing is, i am not afraid to be alone. i've been alone since forever. and i think everyone is alone in their thoughts too. so i dont want to waste time fixing things. i just want to move on to then next thing to do. maybe when one day i've done everything that i wanted to do i will regret the 'discard and move' policy. but the question is...will i have the time to regret? the thing is, even when u feel like the relationship will never end...it will end. so whats the different between ending it early or late?
again.....you will never understand.