Since Facebook and Twitter I have not much need to express myself in so many words as in a blog. I guess it's because I have become more economical with my words.
However, today I feel that I have to let this out somewhere.
I just have to say that I didn't expect myself to be that unprepared.
My friends would say that I am being overly sensitive or over reacting. So be it.
To put in short, I have this urge to preach, to whine, to be angry, to ask for sympathy, to seek shelter at the same time.
See, I've always known that I live it a so called crime and red light district of Seri Kembangan. I have lived here since before my university graduation. I have some vague idea of the danger and to say that I am too innocent for that is a bit far fetch because I have been in a lock-up, prison and I've met prisoners and the accused. I've seen drug addicts, pimps, prostitutes, rogue polices, lawyers and what not. Sometimes I think they can hurt me anytime. But I admit that maybe thats not dangerous enough.
I've always prided myself to be able to be friends with people from all walks of life provided they didn't annoy me. So sometimes I've listened to their talks about the low moral value and low comprehension of religion of their friends or even themselves. I have always been a mere listener. I non-committally pointed out to them that what they did is wrong. Or I show it from my face before the talk move on to the next topic and assume relaxed attitude when they quickly changed the topic. What happened was a mere passing of story. I didn't pursue it. I didn't choke their neck and told them to repent.I didn't feel guilty because it's not my life and I didn't do it.
Its funny that when I actually saw the actual act of (alleged) fornication before my very eyes I became quite very sick and disturbed. I feel how helpless I am. I feel that I am not being respected by my neighbour I want to bring full force of the punishment or law on them and at the same time I want to save them. I feel violated. Then I thought: all fornicators should go to hell!
For the record, in true neighbourly spirit I had averted my eyes. Just saw the female so I guess my innocence is (a tiny bit) saved there. But the disturbing image and thoughts remained.
Can I blame them if prostitute is easily available and is very cheap? Am I to be blamed for being here but not (couldn't be) doing anything? Am I underestimating my willpower and resources to do something? Have I done anything to show them that it's right for them to blatantly do it openly in front of my living room window? I have always thought my opposite window neighbour is a Muslim. Can I now assume they aren't? Is that right?
I am surprised by how affected I am. How different feelings and confusion jumbled together.
My friend Hana said something that I have never thought before: that I should pray that God punishment/retribution didn't come to me. I asked, why would God punish me when I didn't do it? Then she said I will have no power to stop it if the punishment came to my place. I guess she is right.
Before this, I have no idea why religious people (than me) said they will always pray for the sinners. Now I get it. Or maybe I had forgotten and is now being reminded. Or maybe I had learned the concept long ago but not until I have actually been in the situation I had fully comprehend it. Positively, no matter how disgusted I am, I should at least be thankful that I have comprehend a very straightforward concept.
So now that I am being philosophical about it can I just put it behind me and forget about it?
Astagfirullahalazim.
