Love

I fell in love and got married. If there is a theme song for how my feelings is, it would be like that Scorpion's song "You and I" you can listen to it here.

Before this marriage happened, I was ready to spend my whole life alone. I had successfully taken care of myself which resulted to me being on remission for the whole year 2020 until right now.

My health situation had improved from the blanked faces of two different specialists when asked "how long do i have left?" to an impatient-to-dismiss-me-from-consultation one because there is nothing to worry about with my blood test. I still have to do blood tests every 6 months but I do feel physically better than when I blogged here around the same time last year.

So I told the man, I wanted to be married on April 2021. He obliged.

It was a private affair but I managed to invite some relatives. Even my father and mother was there. It was really an Asian wedding where of course there are dramas during the party and gossiping from offended non invited relatives and officemates after the party. They absolutely have no awareness that they were mostly non functional in my path of life to be included in my 100pax wedding. That being said, I do feel sad that I couldn't invite many other friends, relatives, colleagues,  ex bosses and ex colleagues who really have made impact in my life.  I probably have offended the mothers of at least two best friends who had treated me like their own daughter.

But on the day of my wedding, my team of my best friends handled the event like a pro. They are mostly lawyers after all. I was in the hands of pros.

I did pulled off my ex-lawyering skill as well since I have to put in place all the mandatory papers, research and reservations. My man put in more than his equal share of money. The best friends executed the wedding on the day of the event. God did provide me a family, just not in blood.

It was the perfect wedding for me. It was exactly like how I wanted it to be. I have written all about it 11 years ago here.

All links inside that blog post are all broken by now. I did contacted the makeup artist but she is too famous for me now.

In any event, the whole spirit of that blog post is still intact. No money was wasted. We used our own money. My parents was probably happy that they only had to gave birth to me.

Now the man that I marry is the first person to have made me laughed in tears after years. I forgot to make that skill as mandatory when I first decided that I am dating to marry. I had forgotten how to laugh. I thought that was because I am older and wiser. I was wrong. Back in 2019, I was probably more looking for a partner and don't really know anything about love. But laughing with him surely was a sign that I love this man. 

Family

Today I read a post by the late Ashraf's Sinclair's father which warmed my heart (I am probably tired after my first long journey in months too). I quoted his words on my Twitter: "...to be able to offer myself in exchange for his life, as any parent would do..." I think this is beautiful.

To recap, the late Ashraf passed away at age 40 suddenly. He is from the famous Sinclairs family in Malaysia. The family is also married to Yuna Zarai and Ashraf was married to Indonesian Bunga Citra Lestari (I love her songs).

This is in stark contrast to Abam's family who also passed away suddenly at age 32. The widow immediately moved out due to disagreement with Abam's family.

Now, we all probably did not know the details of these two families. Are they really kind or cruel as the media or they themselves portray? God knows.

But on the surface, I will be using the two stories as an example of how we can have two families that are completely different. Yet they live together and function as a family unit despite how hard for us to comprehend or accept.

Some people cannot accept that there exists a happy and loving family because they never had one and vice versa.

I think Asian people especially Malaysian will find it difficult to brain the people who are estranged from their families. In our culture, we need to tolerate our life with our family no matter how bad and difficult it is. Most of us will immediately judge the person who is thus estranged as the bad apple.

This is why I almost never write about my family. I stopped being in contact with my family about four years ago. However, in reality, I had walked out of the house when I was 18 (packed everything up and out of the house) and never came back. It was possible to have nothing left in the family home when I was 18 because I had planned to leave ever since I was 9. But I kept in touch and came visiting every weekend or passing by. Until I stopped for good four years ago.

Now, I will put on record that if I could reverse time, I will not change anything. I believe everything that has happened to me shaped me into who I am now. I am probably not someone who makes it into history. But I am proud of myself and happy with who I am. I have always accepted that I have this kind of family. Not proud or happy with it, but accepted it I did.

But I am dying and I foresee that I might die alone (and struggle alone before that). At the moment, I am fine with the fact of dying alone (technically, we all die alone and answer to God alone). The struggling part, well, it has started and I still manage to do it without them. Hoping against all odds this will not change. What I am not so fine with is being dead and perceived as the bad apple or deserve what is happening to me because I am anak derhaka.

Technically, what is happening to me now is due to my parents. The genes that I inherited caused me to have multiple autoimmune diseases i.e Psoriasis and Mixed Connective Tissue Disease (just this two at the moment). If this is paying a price, I'd like to think that this is not paying the price for being anak derhaka. This is paying the price for being born to my parents in the first place. Thus, I am still being haunted by my parents to my last dying breath. But, I am a Muslim, therefore, I do not blame my parents because I had asked God to be born no matter what.

As I am writing this, I am seeing my stubborn streak surfacing again. Stubborn to prove that I am not wrong for choosing to be alone. Anyway, tiring as it is to write about this I am going to try and continue.

My family is not perfect like the Sinclairs. However, they are not publicly bad like the  Abam's. Nevertheless, they are not normal. About 1 year after I left, I read about Narcissistic Parents in a health magazine. I believe this closely resemble my parents:

Parental emotional abuse

Narcissistic personality disorder

Narcissistic parents identify their children as either a favourite or a scapegoat, and they pit them against each other

After reading about Narcissistic Parents, I am not surprised that one of the solutions is to create a boundary and if that is not possible, to cease all contacts. However, setting up the boundary is not easy. It took me about 20 years. It was a plan since I was 9 years old. How can I make people understand that wanting to leave your family when you are 9 years old means there is something wrong with your family and not you?

If this is not enough to convince anyone so be it, I am too adult to be airing dirty laundry. But I can only say that it was torture compared to having Mixed Connective Tissue Disease and being alone. That I still fear of going back and suffer unhappiness more than of being sick and dying alone.

I feel mentally healthier after I settle down and not having contact with my family. I feel at peace and like a load of boulder had been removed from my heart. Yes, I am concerned that God may not agree with me. Some folks even say I will be unhappy and hidup tak berkat sepanjang hayat. But I can only pray for salvation and I believe that there is no other way. It made it easier for me to accept MCTD because as I was busy dealing with problems due to my parents, I have not achieved or contributed anything significant as a human or a Muslim in this world. Therefore, if I have a lot of sins and not many good deeds, I hope MCTD will even it out.

INTRO

"So, have you got rid of the cat?" was the question I got when I walked into the Pulmonologist's room yesterday. I just smiled at her. The usual weapon. I practically believe I charm people with my smile. So there.

Believe it or not, that one cat have had his fair share of being the focal point of the dramas in my life. Yesterday was just another testament that the cat is not going anywhere.

That being said, why do people keep trying to remove the cat from my life! Well, its because they are not the same people who got kicked out of my life for threatening the cat's existence. 

Anyway, the doctor then saved herself by saying "sometimes we need pets in our life" or something. I was seeing her about my Mild Pulmonary Fibrosis which I got as a result of an autoimmune disease known as Mixed Connective Tissue Disease. Very rare disease. I think my first Rheumatologist told me that he had like 500 patients for Lupus / SLE but only 3 for MCTD. That's how rare it is (I didn't like him and changed doctor now).

A GP once asked "do you know that there is no cure for MCTD" and I said, "I always know that I am special since I was born" and she burst out laughing. 

I mean, I was born with Psoriasis. I've lived my womanhood with PCOS. Just add one more abbreviation to seal the deal.

I was warded for  three nights last month in her hospital because I had a cough and she told me that it was because of my GERD (which I also got as a result of MCTD). She now said it was so hard to treat the cough because I had a cat. There is something in the litter that could cause infection in my lung. She wanted me to get rid of the cat. But I wasn't warded because I had lung infection. There is no evidence to show that I was coughing for 3 weeks because of Bara. Anyway, I rather die than losing my only housemate.

I think by now, people who read this probably want to strangle me for being stubborn about the cat even as this "story" barely started. I am struggling to explain 5 years worth of life in a post here. I probably won't even finish. So the cat become the focal point again for now.

I didn't really plan to write today or any day. I have graduated from blogging about my life to a few unintelligible sentences on Twitter, cryptic captions on filtered photos on Instagram and daily IG stories which then fades after 24 hours. But people are so curious now because my physical appearance is different than who I was a year ago. I lost 32kg and I look so hot that I went out on dates! haha. Seriously though, I can't even figure out where to start or whether to start at all. I usually straight away answered by churning out healthy lifestyle tips which I really did follow but it does not really solve the mystery of what happen to Sarah?

Sarah thinks she is dying. That's because she always expect the worse while doing her best. Which is why she surprised herself when the CT scan show that the lung improved.

But I really am dying. MCTD is a chronic illness.  In America, I read that people applied for social security once they were diagnosed. We don't have that here. But everyone is dying too. The difference is I know why I will die and feel that I am sick and dying. It could be years (I give myself 3 - 20 years) . But it will be years of struggle. I could also die a quick one due to road accident. So is everyone.

But the lung improved. That will probably add more minimum years then.

She showed me where it has improved and was quite impressed and said "ada kucing pun boleh baik." To which I replied, "Remember when I asked 'why me' You said Allah chose me because I am strong. I also pray to Allah to heal me. and this is it."

That was just one of those rare moments that I let out a proper deep sentence without offending anyone. 

On normal days, I will just unintentionally reply with some form of conversation stopper e.g: 

Person: "I read there were 4 women for 1 man in Malaysia. That's why we marry up to 4"

Me: "But for the past 2 years the Department of Statistics said that there were more men than women in Malaysia. Its good news because when the existing men marry more than 1 there are just so many more single men to choose from by us single women."

Person: .....

hahah

 

Anyway, I was so happy to know that I can get better despite being stubborn about Bara.

I then asked the pulmonologist, "But you said my lung is already scarred and therefore the whitish part won't heal?"  and she said, "if its ground glass it can heal. But it won't heal if it was honeycomb"

That was the first time I heard the word honeycomb in relation to my lung. Whatever, I am already torn between tears of joy and ignoring this whole thing as the news did nothing to change how my body function daily. 

The lung has always been functioning (at least normally) although we know its under attack by the autoimmune. Its the daily struggle that did not change. Which prompt me to write today. I now hope I can finish this.

On daily basis, I don't know which day will be a really bad day. I have developed a routine where my alarm will go off and my cat will jump on my bed to wake me up. I am awake but I need 15 minutes on a good day to 30 minutes on a bad day to lie like a log because its painful to move at all. I then slowly proceed to turn off the alarm (whole arm in pain), switch on the lamp and that's it. I need another 15 minutes to raise myself and just sit beside my bed. I then very slowly raise my arms and switch on my Bluetooth speaker. I listened to my Spotify playlist. Sometimes I sing along. Post that song to IG story as the first sign that I am alive for the day to my 5 guardians. Just to fill up the time because I can't stand up that quickly if there is no one to lift me. There is no one. lol. 

Once I feel like my knees are strong enough (they never were, I just got tired of waiting or maybe I was gathering my willpower), I push the palms of my hands to my thighs and try to lift my whole body up to a standing position without touching anything else as my fingers and wrists also hurts. It all hurts. I then walked like an 80 years old to take my first pill of the day. It told me to eat it one hour before food. Its for my GERD. I then try to fill up that one hour to heat my breakfast which is usually the rice porridge I bought the last night. As my body move, the joints got lubricated and it gets better at moving and it became less painful. I shower (struggled to sit at toilet so I used a cane which I asked from my best friend who kept it in her car because it was used by her father who then passed away), pray (sitting on a chair), struggle to put on my clothes as I cannot bend my arms much and then eat. 

Right after meal, I will swallow Plaquenil 400mg, Prednisolone 2.5mg and Vitamin D which are all compulsory daily for my MCTD. I drown it all with Berocca because I feel like I need all that B and C vitamins too (plus the immunosuppresants were all bitter pills). 

I may die young but I now live old person's life. Just to be able to walk out of the house to work is the first achievement of my daily life. And my Rheumatologist said this is mild MCTD. I wonder how it will feel if it got worse and I need to take higher doses of those.

I think the pills did nothing to improve the workings of my limbs. It just got better in the day because I moved about. The purpose of the pills are to slow down my own antibody that decided to attack my connective tissues. I began taking it in March 2019. The fact that my lung got better means that it works on me because it stop/slow down the attacks on the lung (why lung? because it has connective tissue. everything in our body is). As for my limbs, I think I need less time to move about now but I also read that the damaged cells can no longer be replaced. What I am doing now is trying to build up muscles by weekly swimming and dumb bell workout. I also watch my food and lost weight to reduce the pressure on my limbs.

I think the real challenge to this is the fact that I do not look sick at all. I love it and hate it. I love it because I don't have to explain to anyone. But I hate it when it gets tough and I feel the urge to ask for help but I don't know how to explain. In the end, I just bear with it quietly although I can't know for how much longer. Appearance wise, I look better than the 20 years that anyone know me. I actually look my best when I was a baby but nobody knows that!

Now, people may say I lost weight because of MCTD. It's true and false. It's true that i need to lose weight to help lessen my burden with MCTD but it need work. It didn't happen just like that due to MCTD. In fact, the pills were steroids which made my appetite grow. I (mostly) resisted the urge to eat unhealthy stuffs. I eat food that I think will be good for my overall specific condition. It also took a whole lot of willpower to move my body to do any form of workouts at all because its permanently sore and painful. But when people ask, I will churn out all the healthy tips and left out my struggles. And I love churning out those tips (only when it was asked) because if those people didn't have what I have they will have a so much better life following my tips.

And so that's how my life is now. It gets better until bedtime and then it repeats. 

I think this is it as introduction.

Oh trivial problems

I need a place to rant about my trivial problems. The moment I wrote that preceding sentence I feel that I should probably change my mind. I probably won't rant. My trivial problems are:

(a) This morning a woman driving a Myvi drove like crazy which drove ME crazy to the point that I hit a motorcyclist using my sidemirror. Had to use my stering lock to open it up again while driving and waving at the motorcyclist at the same time. angry with the crazy woman and angry with myself;

(b) the opponent came late. which is nothing but it add up to my already gloomy mood;

(c) finally got to eat at my favorite breakfast restaurant but there is no seat inside and I had to sit out in the open and the getting hotter sun. alone. which is nothing except the out in the open in the sun part. tried to humor myself that I need this occasional sunbathing. Not really working;

(d) so I sat with the sun behind me which is also made me unable to see my car and concentrate on the food but when I am done and quickly turn to my car the MBSA people had came with incognito white car and had JUST gave me a ticket when I came. Its getting better;

(e) suddenly the place went crazy and everybody is removing their cars which cause standstill in the area;

(f) I took the ticket and crumpled it without looking at it and threw a bulls eye inside the trash can 3 meters away;

(g) ops someone was watching so I gave the newspaper shopkeeper a winning smile. that feel good;

(h) then I drove away and remember that I just got a ticket. not good;

(i) driving with unsatisfactory feelings and feel like I should do some retail therapy but who I am kidding? I am not those rich folks. Even if I shop at Daiso I would unnecessarily spend at least RM50 just like that and I can't afford to throw away RM50 (roll eyes);

(j) finally I just drove straight to office with just one stop in a newly opened pet shop very near to my office to buy my cat's food. The shopkeeper and the name of the shop looks terribly familiar but when I ask him whether he had another shop near a restaurant named "horizon garden" he kept denying it;

(k) not satisfied, after I already paid my purchase I told him that the decor of this shop is exactly the same with the shop nearby (which I secretly dislike). He finally admitted that he had just moved to this area from the area I mentioned except he didnt noticed the restaurant with the name I mentioned. I was so angry with myself for having spent RM33 for pet food in his shop because I had confirmed that he is the same person whose poor customer service had me secretly vow not to buy from. And I've bought something from him after he went in a roundabout way of admitting that he had just moved! Which made me hate his guts more!

Okay, its a rant after all. But it was one of those days when trivial things affect you. But I feel better after letting it out of my chest. 

During the lunch hour I had an hour chat with my new clerk and she told me the usual problem that I've so many times heard from other new clerks (now ex-clerks) before her about the existing so called senior clerks. I did my best to pacify her and to help her understand the situation being the survivor of the same ordeal before myself (except I was the one who finally gained the upper hand. tehee). I don't think I did much good. I think I've stopped trying too hard even though she is by far my best clerk. Surprisingly, this does not affect me too much. I have accepted that I cannot stop people from getting the greener grass just because they made my grass so much greener. That would be selfish. So I felt good about being able to let go whenever that may be. Don't ask me why, but my mood do go up and down like that. I think I am wired differently somewhere than other humans.

FGTH

Since Facebook and Twitter I have not much need to express myself in so many words as in a blog. I guess it's because I have become more economical with my words.

However, today I feel that I have to let this out somewhere.

I just have to say that I didn't expect myself to be that unprepared.

My friends would say that I am being overly sensitive or over reacting. So be it.

To put in short, I have this urge to preach, to whine, to be angry, to ask for sympathy, to seek shelter at the same time.

See, I've always known that I live it a so called crime and red light district of Seri Kembangan. I have lived here since before my university graduation. I have some vague idea of the danger and to say that I am too innocent for that is a bit far fetch because I have been in a lock-up, prison and I've met prisoners and the accused. I've seen drug addicts, pimps, prostitutes, rogue polices, lawyers and what not. Sometimes I think they can hurt me anytime. But I admit that maybe thats not dangerous enough.

I've always prided myself to be able to be friends with people from all walks of life provided they didn't annoy me. So sometimes I've listened to their talks about the low moral value and low comprehension of religion of their friends or even themselves. I have always been a mere listener. I non-committally pointed out to them that what they did is wrong. Or I show it from my face before the talk move on to the next topic and assume relaxed attitude when they quickly changed the topic. What happened was a mere passing of story. I didn't pursue it. I didn't choke their neck and told them to repent.I didn't feel guilty because it's not my life and I didn't do it.

Its funny that when I actually saw the actual act of (alleged) fornication before my very eyes  I became quite very sick and disturbed. I feel how helpless I am. I feel that I am not being respected by my neighbour  I want to bring full force of the punishment or law on them and at the same time I want to save them. I feel violated. Then I thought: all fornicators should go to hell!

For the record, in true neighbourly spirit I had averted my eyes. Just saw the female so I guess my innocence is (a tiny bit) saved there. But the disturbing image and thoughts remained.

Can I blame them if prostitute is easily available and is very cheap? Am I to be blamed for being here but not (couldn't be) doing anything? Am I underestimating my willpower and resources to do something? Have I done anything to show them that it's  right for them to blatantly do it openly in front of my living room window? I have always thought my opposite window neighbour is a Muslim. Can I now assume they aren't? Is that right? 

I am surprised by how affected I am. How different feelings and confusion jumbled together.

My friend Hana said something that I have never thought before: that I should pray that God punishment/retribution didn't come to me. I asked, why would God punish me when I didn't do it? Then she said I will have no power to stop it if the punishment came to my place. I guess she is right. 

Before this, I have no idea why religious people (than me) said they will always pray for the sinners. Now I get it. Or maybe I had forgotten and is now being reminded. Or maybe I had learned the concept long ago but not until I have actually been in the situation I had fully comprehend it. Positively, no matter how disgusted I am, I should at least be thankful that I have comprehend a very straightforward concept. 

So now that I am being philosophical about it can I just put it behind me and forget about it?

Astagfirullahalazim.

End of 2012 Rant

Things that got me tired with practice is not the work itself. Its the pointless things such as waiting in various goverment agencies offices and courts (including waiting to get connected by phone) and weird requests such as asking for Court CTC for a sealed order already served to Land office. 

Closer in the office, its the last minute decision to draft or file something which can be avoided due to lackadaisical attitude of the management or client. 

For every pointless things that happened, i have actually taken every precaution for it not to happen but it happened because of other people's attitude. 

On a not so separate note, when will government servant understand that their salary is paid from the money that people like me gave them? Hence, should behave properly and not like little napoleons. 

Also annoyed at Malay restaurants/kopitiam that took forever to bungkus RM15 popia which actually worth RM5 and once its done full 5 minutes must passed before it was put in a plastic bag and transferred to my table. That was after I throw a murderous looks. Also had the temerity to signal me to come and take the thing before saw my look.

Aladdin the Musical - Why am I interested?

So I was minding my own business i.e trying my best not to do my real life job when I received an email from the All Malaysian Bloggers Project saying that because I am a member of AMBP (as indeed I am) I could end up going to Aladdin the Musical in Sunway Lagoon on the 25 November 2011 if I blog about it? 

Well I figure this is my chance to prove (yet again) to my 8 years old youngest sister (Shamin) that I am her coolest sister ever if I could bring her to the musical (besides, I do have to blog something anyway):

This was Shamin in 2008

Shamin in 2010

You have to give the kid the experience, she went to her first movie in the cinema during the last Hari Raya Puasa which is barely 3 months ago (for the record, her first movie is Cowboy vs Aliens)! I thought I'd get her 'cultured' at watching and listening something else than Astro and staring at her PSP 24/7 since books didn't get her going (sigh...unlike me). I guess it will take forever to wait for her to touch the Arabian Nights by Sir Richard Francis Burton.

Anyway, she did watched Aladdin on Disney Channel, no doubt about that. Its just that I'd like to introduce new things to her or just to have the satisfaction of spending more time with my youngest sibling since I don't live with the family. Besides, I can't shake off the thought of getting that free tickets (couldn't get better hint than that) and inspiring awe in the eyes of my sister.

The musicals in Sunway Lagoon did received good review (also here). So I guess there is also no harm for me to also experience new things (I went to a musical once during the 'Ice Age' I just don't remember what is it about). So do me a favour will ya? Get me that free tickets and I'll write all about it here.

Singing Heart

Ya Allah (Oh My God) it's been ages! I had even begin to think that I will never write again. Alas, today I am feeling like doing it. So whats up? with me, with you? As for me, I'm spending half the day listening to music (I'm supposed to familiarize myself with all Soil Investigation terms for upcoming case but what the heck). Actually the whole purpose of this post to list down my favorite music of the day. But since I have not been writing in ages I feel obligated to throw in some updates too.

I founded a Facebook secret group called A Priori to help out young people with LLB degrees get together and help each other. I am too amazed to even describe how I feel now when we had 215 members! Of course, it really helped when a lot of people also were of the opinion that such group is needed at all. I am also not stingy with appointing administrators. Some thing needed change I know but I didn't hear much feedback regarding how I handled the group so I didn't have much choice but to exercise my veto power most of the times. huhu.

Still single yeah, but I've got used to it. I read Rhonda Byrne's The Power (mostly first sentence of each paragraph. lol. not really a fan of self help books) where she said that if I'm really that desperate to have someone in my life (okay, I'm just paraphrasing in a way where it's applicable to me here) I should treat my home as if I've got someone already i.e do everything for two persons and most importantly sleep on one side of the bed only (that I definitely can't do! oh well, unless absolutely necessary). So come to think of it, do I have to divide my bookshelves to two? divide my K-dorama and Anime time to two i.e not watching the whole series in one whole day when I feel like it? share my time? share my game time? share my fb time? share my sleep time? have a fixed time to eat? Oh okay, it's not really I'm shuddering at the thoughts of all that (almost!) but if I think about it, I don't know, the problem might be just me and if that's true, I can live with that (hell yeah, someone please save me).

Which bring us to the topic of my home. I looooooooove living alone because I looooooove my home! (I think I can afford to spell 'love' like that just because I have never done it). In fact, I have not gone out of my home since Friday night (kinda worried about my car though). Anyway, to illustrate how much I love my home, I might even transfer to Bangi just because I can't stand staying at my home only on weekends and stay in my rented room during weekdays. I think I am entitled to put an end to it because I've lived like that for a year already (this arrangement may have contributed to my homesickness). Of course, I have this gnawing feeling that I might be risking my whole career for it but to think on the bright side, I am still doing the same thing and whether I made it or not is up to me wherever I may be working. I spent a year to come to a conclusion that I can do it wherever I want. If I made it, I made it. Okay let me be frank, I don't ever want to go for big firm because I've already had what I wanted in life. I've told about three other human beings that my ambition is to one day snuggle on a red sofa in an apartment reading books. I've had that. Who cares if the apartment is in a some sort of ghetto and the sofa is black (and that I don't own the apartment). We can work that out later. I don't have to go to big firm to iron that out. Lazy? well define hardworking please? why you work hard then? what's your biggest aim in life then? Point is, I've got what I wanted (as always. Thank you Allah), now I'll focus on getting that big bookshelves in my dream (and work out on the sleeping on one side of my queen size bed or I'll just buy a King and I'll definitely just sleep on one side of it. haha). And so, it's pertinent for me not to abandon my home again. Should I one day lose the home, I'll think of another solution. The good thing of being a (young) lawyer is, you never ran out of choice.

So that's it!! Now here is my song of the day (I hope you really take the time to listen to all of it coz I'm that proud of my achievement of compiling it especially no.6 because although I have no freaking idea what's it's all about but the way the language sound OMG so sexay and the music video quite gothic Okay I just really checked the video and found it not suitable for viewing. so sorry. [(sheepish grin) no wonder its sounded sexay..pffft]:

1) David Guetta ft. Usher - Without You

2) Swedish House Mafia - Save the World

3) Blink 182 - After Midnight

4) T-Pain - 5 O'Clock ft. Wiz Khalifa, Lily Allen

5) Lighters  - Bad Meets Evil ft. Bruno Mars

6) Avec Laura De "Sarancha"

(Video removed due to parental control)

7) Foster the People - Pumped Up Kicks

6th Day and still Fasting

and the reason why I dont feel like balik kampung:

when I can easily:

I couldn't keep up

There is many layers to my goal in life. I thought that I am in the right path. that I am advancing towards that. Sometimes it feels like I will achieve my ultimate goal and sometimes I feel so far away. But I feel very far away, more than I have ever felt before now. I don't think anybody, not a single person know for sure what is my ultimate goal in life. Perhaps one can guess. Many have no idea.

I am thankful to Allah that I am a Muslim. Otherwise, I will not be able to shake off the thought that life is so unfair to me. It still linger though. It stays afloat all the time in times like now. I would like to deny being jealous but I think it is unfair that people with less effort can earn RM800.00  more than me. Made me feel so unappreciated. Made me wonder why do I bother to work so hard. I can accept that in life you either had name or you had talent. But what should I do if people with no name and no talent simply get it? Made me wonder if I am actually stupid and that is why I have less. But even with this thoughts there is still this other thoughts that keep on nagging to me that if somebody were to read this and give me a slap I would suddenly wake up and accept that I am very fortunate and of course, cleverer and that I am just being stupid. That whatever i was thinking is actually stupid and people like me are actually clever. I will then learn to accept again this theory that people who are not that clever like people like me is probably having it easy now but not later. That I will have the last laugh. I am not in a race with anybody. I am just having a conflict with notion and reality, not in that order. Which is why I said that I am thankful that I am a Muslim. Things like this is too complicated for me to discuss with people who need to know. Like people who are related to you but they can't imagine what you do and began comparing you with lesser people (you get annoyed so you call the person you are being compared with as the lesser people) who are more fortunate. I thought I am above all that but just by trying to stay afloat day to day and then I get to see how easy other people had it then had other people pointed out the obvious to me, it kinda irritate me. I am also irritated because it stand against my confidence that I have through unbelievable feat had achieved this stage where I am now but there exist this other being that through no feat at all had achieved more than me. I am trying very hard to accept that achievement is not measured by monetary value alone but what can you do when that is what you need the most now and seeing what I do is big enough why can't it goes hand in hand?

Last Month and this month

 Harsh words were said
and lies were told instead.
I didn't ever mean to make you cry.
But love can make us weak and make us strong,
and before too very long.
I was totally in love with you.
- Jean Jacques Burnel

I am already one quarter century and still breathing. Alhamdulillah. Please Allah let me live longer to die as a faithful Muslim and had made change to the world or the world of others in a good way even if it is just a small change before that.

So 8 April had come and go. The above statement is everything there is to my thoughts when my birthday came up.

I could say a lot of things and recorded every details regarding my birthday and what happens after that but then I just want to keep the precious moments to myself (or I am just that lazy, your pick).

I went through quite troublesome period of writer's block which lasted for one whole month. I didn't write anything in April. That month is the month where I could write a lot of things but I just didn't. More accurately, I couldn't. There are too many possible reasons for that that I couldn't decide which one is the culprit.

Everything is as usual. But I was inspired to write at 1.00am today because I was quite happy that I didn't bring home too much work (although its still there) and because I've done watching the most amazing anime series ever created by man. Okay, I am just exaggerating that because I loved the book the anime was based on and hence became inspired!

Talking about love. I have something to report:

I watched Inception after I send my friend Eda back to her home in Kg. Malaysia (I know, I was late in watching it but I am glad that I finally made it to watch it) last month. I thoroughly enjoyed the movie and are in love (not in literal meaning) with Christopher Nolan which effectively rendered the previous post written by me as no longer applicable (plus I now think that he - the one I fell in love with is still such a kid). yes, I know how Inception made me uninterested to that boy is at best strangely related but please bear with me.

Okay thats that. And those were last month's story.

Back to main agenda. I want to gush about Gankutsuou!

For the first few minutes of the series I was quite put off by the CGI on the characters apparels but gradually I began to even love it and this is due to the fact that I can feel the spirit of Dumas' Count of Monte Cristo in each episode. I am amazed that sci-fi theme can be mixed with the more classical setting of the Count of Monte Cristo. We can say that the series is a huge success because this is the first time that I feel like i am not betrayed by the film-maker of my imagination of my favorite books. In this case...the Count of Monte Cristo. My most awaited moments is the beginning of each episodes after the opening theme where Gankutsuou himself will start by saying "Madame, Monsieur Bonjour..." and continue to summarize what happened previously in flawless French. I tried googling for the French script to no avail. Oh wish I could read them in French. Anyway, Confucius says it best to sum up the whole story: “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.” In this case, the Count is prepared to die for the sake of his revenge (sad to admit that I am like that too when I am feeling particularly vengeful). Anyway looking at the uninteresting google results I can see that this anime series probably didn't get proper recognition as it should which is why I am trying my best here to write more than one liner to describe how I feel about this anime series.and yes, I am at the end of my film critic ability.

Okay, that's that for May. yay!

Fin.

March

About two weeks ago there was a fatal accident on the road just across the house where I tenanted. It happened at 3am and I didn't hear a thing and sleep through the night. 

We sometimes need this occurrence to help us go back to the reality. I started to be extra careful on the road after that and hope it will last. I prayed to Allah that I wont die a sorry death. I have no preference on how I should die except I remained faithful to my God til my last breath and people cannot say that I died aimless.

And then there was the disaster in Japan. It was awful and memories of Aceh came back. As usual, all I can give is my tears while reading the newspaper.

It reminds me that no matter how careful you are there are bigger things than just being careful.

So I remind myself that I just had to live and make every moment useful. I have a lot of things to be sorry of for the time that I had wasted. So I do my best to make myself better in the definition of my religion knowing that it is highly probable that it is not enough. But I am persevering anyway.

Bigger things in life made me relish the fact that I didn't follow my fit of anger when a crazy female driver cut through my lane in the highway that she grazed my rear view mirror or dwell on the fact that both Baju Kurung made from the fabric I obtained after so much hardship in Singapore is probably ruined forever because of all supervening events. Or the fact that I earned so little that I had nothing to save but just focus on living as best as I could and allow every luxuries that my current status permit.

On that note, yesterday I went to BookExcess and bought five new classic literature. Despite my financial constraint, I am so proud of myself for having bought the books. As I was hungrily gnawing through Defoe's words in Molly Flanders I glanced to all my other books and as usual think about what a waste it was if I couldn't finish every classic literature in the world before I die. Then I thought that I am so lucky that I even have an aim to achieve and live my life with purpose career wise and hobby wise. I remind myself that it is better to die while achieving your aim(s) than die aimless. A sorry death to me is to die without purpose. Which is how I had lived my life so far - purposeful. If I could be a ghost (which I know I wont), I'll be happy to hear if people say I die while still working to save 25 poor villagers whose land was trespassed by unscrupulous company as opposed to dying while just getting back from a late teh tarik for having nothing better to do. Or die while I was reading a book than die while watching TV (except news and any other intellectual programs) and even better die while praying.

Allowing myself some other luxuries is to hold a small dinner in my humble dwelling for about 12 friends to celebrate all milestones that I had just cause to be proud and joyous of and be thankful to Allah to, this time, with ceremony. At the moment I am still working out on my menus. I think that dinner will need another post later.

So that's that.

Choked

The title is like what it is because I had this choking sensation since i woke up. I have no idea why. Probably due to the lack of oxygen. I tried inhaling deeply to no avail.

It feels somewhat interesting when I saw a friend is writing about song meaning today. I myself have been thinking of putting one or two lines out of any lyric that i like as the beginning of my post but is still in the midst of compiling them, so I have not come to do it. People put quotes or poem in the beginning of their post so I thought I want to put song. You could say that I copied them but its only because I find that style will better explain myself. I had chosen lyric because I rarely read any poetry at all. Further, people's taste in music vary so the chances are even when people did the same thing as me they wouldn't choose the same particular line of the lyric.

Talking about lyric, I almost cried when I listened to I need a doctor by Eminem(ft Dr.Dre & Skylar Grey). Of course I am not into profanities but I had this soft spot about anything concerning loyalty, friendship and chivalry. I can see how strong the bond between Dr. Dre and Eminem (at least as its depicted in the lyric). Thats the very thing that I have been trying to maintain and search in my friends all my life. I know that my standard is too high and I am probably not that perfect either. But I always tried my best to be the best kind of friend to people that I am close to. Previously I expect the same return from them but after many years I realized that its useless to hope for that (I am sorry to say this but this is how I feel) and I should just be my definition of 'best' to many close friends and hope they sometimes return it back. This line of thinking made me happier especially in situation when I really need someone by my side and one of them came to my house just because I feel like that.

Slave Hunters (Chuno)

I saw Chuno for the first time when it was aired in KBS. I forgot when was that. At that time I couldn't follow the series. It piqued me but I was deliberating for quite some time until it won KBS Drama Award for 2010. Its quite by accident that I was browsing channels on TV at that particular day and time and managed to catch KBS Drama Award.

So the moment I got back from my parent's after watching the Drama Award I immediately went to uri local video stores and got it for RM40 in HD. ahem. hehe.

Oh the first episode by itself got me hooked already and the rest is history. I love the plot, the CGI, the stunts, the OST, the dialogue, the ancient Korean language, the actors, the emotions displayed, the fighting scenes!, the male actors! (hehe) and i am the biggest fan of wangsun mama!

I wonder if Kim Jin-Woo behaved the way he did in Chuno in the real life too. If yes, I am so amazed. I want to learn from his parents how to raise a kid like that. I mean he was the least fussy baby I have ever seen in my life. He is cute like snow, he allows absolutely everybody to carry him, he sits still when placed down and also when he sits on adults' lap, he is smart (I conclude this when he played Seol Hwa's musical instrument and he responded to the thief lord who loves children),  he can be instructed (because he said 'yes' when Han-seom paid his respect. haha) and the best of all he is so quiet. In short he is the best baby actor I've seen in my life and he is just turning 5 years old this year.

Absolutely Clueless

The thought that someone had the slightest interest in me is too foreign and almost unimaginable. But then even of someone ever did I bet he'd give up just by my way of replying text messages, talk, or even chatting online. haha

The fact of how i behaved is known to me but never worried me at the slightest. Nevertheless, it became more profound when I began to think how person at the other side would feel if I keep behaving like myself.

I have no plan to change my behavior. But as time goes by I did consider people's feeling more and tried my best to mince my words.

My friends in the office told me that I have a problem. 

Based on their description I call it as 'storytelling problem'. They told me that I have a problem of being friendly by text messages because I used the most economic words to describe the situation. 

There were times when I read text messages and find myself staring complicatedly at the phone, trying my utmost thinking faculty to cook up some reply and finally came up with a one word explains all reply.

Now, I take that as a compliment to my vocabulary (ahaha) but it does made me analyze.

Hafiq said its probably because my heart was not moved yet.

I think the real reason is the other people are not in my confidante list. Even with the confidantes I am the laziest person to use text (hence all the calls). I prefer to talk. Its faster. I rather wait until they pick up than text them what I want to say. But when I do have the mood I could story away everything until I feel they could barf but this is mostly online not text messages. It is related to trust issue. I mean, why would I write this long descriptive text messages explaining things and didn't mean anything to the other (and cost me a few sen some more. lol).

If I want to tell a story I'll just write my blog where a lot more people can read, mean something to some people and nobody can delete it except me.

Okay I am doomed am I?