I couldn't keep up

03 July 2011

There is many layers to my goal in life. I thought that I am in the right path. that I am advancing towards that. Sometimes it feels like I will achieve my ultimate goal and sometimes I feel so far away. But I feel very far away, more than I have ever felt before now. I don't think anybody, not a single person know for sure what is my ultimate goal in life. Perhaps one can guess. Many have no idea.

I am thankful to Allah that I am a Muslim. Otherwise, I will not be able to shake off the thought that life is so unfair to me. It still linger though. It stays afloat all the time in times like now. I would like to deny being jealous but I think it is unfair that people with less effort can earn RM800.00  more than me. Made me feel so unappreciated. Made me wonder why do I bother to work so hard. I can accept that in life you either had name or you had talent. But what should I do if people with no name and no talent simply get it? Made me wonder if I am actually stupid and that is why I have less. But even with this thoughts there is still this other thoughts that keep on nagging to me that if somebody were to read this and give me a slap I would suddenly wake up and accept that I am very fortunate and of course, cleverer and that I am just being stupid. That whatever i was thinking is actually stupid and people like me are actually clever. I will then learn to accept again this theory that people who are not that clever like people like me is probably having it easy now but not later. That I will have the last laugh. I am not in a race with anybody. I am just having a conflict with notion and reality, not in that order. Which is why I said that I am thankful that I am a Muslim. Things like this is too complicated for me to discuss with people who need to know. Like people who are related to you but they can't imagine what you do and began comparing you with lesser people (you get annoyed so you call the person you are being compared with as the lesser people) who are more fortunate. I thought I am above all that but just by trying to stay afloat day to day and then I get to see how easy other people had it then had other people pointed out the obvious to me, it kinda irritate me. I am also irritated because it stand against my confidence that I have through unbelievable feat had achieved this stage where I am now but there exist this other being that through no feat at all had achieved more than me. I am trying very hard to accept that achievement is not measured by monetary value alone but what can you do when that is what you need the most now and seeing what I do is big enough why can't it goes hand in hand?