18 March 2011

About two weeks ago there was a fatal accident on the road just across the house where I tenanted. It happened at 3am and I didn't hear a thing and sleep through the night. 
We sometimes need this occurrence to help us go back to the reality. I started to be extra careful on the road after that and hope it will last. I prayed to Allah that I wont die a sorry death. I have no preference on how I should die except I remained faithful to my God til my last breath and people cannot say that I died aimless.
And then there was the disaster in Japan. It was awful and memories of Aceh came back. As usual, all I can give is my tears while reading the newspaper.
It reminds me that no matter how careful you are there are bigger things than just being careful.
So I remind myself that I just had to live and make every moment useful. I have a lot of things to be sorry of for the time that I had wasted. So I do my best to make myself better in the definition of my religion knowing that it is highly probable that it is not enough. But I am persevering anyway.
Bigger things in life made me relish the fact that I didn't follow my fit of anger when a crazy female driver cut through my lane in the highway that she grazed my rear view mirror or dwell on the fact that both Baju Kurung made from the fabric I obtained after so much hardship in Singapore is probably ruined forever because of all supervening events. Or the fact that I earned so little that I had nothing to save but just focus on living as best as I could and allow every luxuries that my current status permit.
On that note, yesterday I went to BookExcess and bought five new classic literature. Despite my financial constraint, I am so proud of myself for having bought the books. As I was hungrily gnawing through Defoe's words in Molly Flanders I glanced to all my other books and as usual think about what a waste it was if I couldn't finish every classic literature in the world before I die. Then I thought that I am so lucky that I even have an aim to achieve and live my life with purpose career wise and hobby wise. I remind myself that it is better to die while achieving your aim(s) than die aimless. A sorry death to me is to die without purpose. Which is how I had lived my life so far - purposeful. If I could be a ghost (which I know I wont), I'll be happy to hear if people say I die while still working to save 25 poor villagers whose land was trespassed by unscrupulous company as opposed to dying while just getting back from a late teh tarik for having nothing better to do. Or die while I was reading a book than die while watching TV (except news and any other intellectual programs) and even better die while praying.
Allowing myself some other luxuries is to hold a small dinner in my humble dwelling for about 12 friends to celebrate all milestones that I had just cause to be proud and joyous of and be thankful to Allah to, this time, with ceremony. At the moment I am still working out on my menus. I think that dinner will need another post later.
So that's that.