So Bizarre

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Many years after my grandmother passed away, I still can’t quite accept the fact that she is lost to me.

One day, while me and my grandfather sat together in his house feeling lonely without her. Suddenly, we found that she is in front of our house. I was so happy seeing that she is back. My grandfather was happy too. He brought her in and we were all happy. However, she do not talk at all. She looked like she always did but she didn’t talk. Later, I realize that she is dead and somehow she came back like zombie. I told my grandfather that we must accept that she has died. My grandfather knew it but he wanted her to be with us. I said this is not our grandmother. She is dead and I don’t know what that come and live with us now. Somehow her body came but it was not her inside. When my grandfather finally gives up, we decided to bury her body that come to live with us. Even though it is painful but we let her go and bury her again. I cried while looking at my grandfather burying his wife. He cried too.

When I woke up I am relieve that the body of my grandmother did not come back and it is not real. I began to accept the fact that she had passed away. I prayed that she rest in peace. Suddenly, I was jolted by the fact that my grandfather too had passed away one or two years before. Looking back at that time, perhaps that dream means I have accepted my grandmother’s death but not yet accepted his death.

Old Dream

When I was nine years old I had a dream that my grandfather died. My grandmother and I cried heart wrenchingly.

When I woke up my pillow was quite drenched and there were tears on my cheeks. Six years later, my grandmother died leaving me and my grandfather. My grandfather followed three years later.

Lost Love

During recent semester break, I had another profound dream.

A police officer asks for my hand in marriage from my parents. He offered rm60, 000.00 as the mahr. I am a person that thinks love should not be the strongest reason for getting married although if there is love it is all the better. Since I do not have any other commitment towards any other man, I agreed to the proposal. I accepted on two grounds; the man looked like he loves me very much, and also because the mahr is ridiculously delicious.

After marriage, I cannot help feeling that he is not the kind of guy that I had in mind at all. He was a bachelor but he is too old for me. He is also not handsome nor is he cute at all.

We lived together in a house. He provides for me more than enough and loves me very much. I kept my dislike for him just with myself. I did not tell him how I feel. I don’t see any point of telling him because I think I can live like that. I don’t mind living with him and I also do not mind not live with him.

I do not know how long had passed after our marriage ceremony but we continue our live together and he worked as usual as detective at police station. Perhaps he saw the coldness in me towards him and never brings up the subject of consummation. Apart from being cold, I did not create reasons for him to be angry with me. I do my duty to his house the best I can. Naturally, I am a responsible person where I feel the people I’m responsible with deserve it.

After some unknown time, he carefully brings up the subject of wanting children. I did not promise him anything but went to have medical check up to see whether I can bear children. Shockingly I was diagnosed with deadly illness that can be transmitted trough sexual intercourse and can cause death to the infected person. They even had a term as a name of that disease that I had forgotten. Weirdly, that disease is harmless to me. I went home and told him about it. He cried and looked broken hearted. He said he wanted children with me. i was moved. I never told him that I wanted divorce but at that time I think divorce is better for him. As for me, I still have no feeling for him but do not mind living with him. But my heart wanted a divorce.

After a while, he went to me and said he will divorce me because he knew that I wanted divorce. He was all teary and looked like he wishes this is not happening. I can feel his love all around me. At that moment I fell in love with him. But not a drop of tear came from me. I agreed to his suggestion thinking it is for the best because I cannot bear children for him. It is better if he is free to marry another less deadly woman.

We divorced but he said he wants me to keep my mahr and the house. I knew that legally it cannot be mine because we never consummated our marriage. But he insisted. I was heart broken because I loved him now.

While I was nursing my heart, I received information that he accepted a mission to investigate something all the way on some mountain top - alone. Somehow I received another information that a van full of head hunters is on the way to the mountain to kill him. I went to his drawer in the house and saw that he had left his gun. I decided to bring the gun to him. I don’t want him to die and I am not going to let him die.

Nobody dared to take me to the mountain top. Later, I found myself climbing the mountain with a gun in my hand. I prayed that I can reach there on time. My heart is heavy with anxiety. Suddenly I saw a white van full of men with armed with parangs and guns. It overtakes me and I was stopped in my track thinking that I will never see him again.

When I woke up, I forgot about the ending of the dream. But the feeling of being loved was so strong and I was moved. I am not that lucky in real life.

Outing gone dangerous

During study period for final examination last semester, I had a couple of adventurous and vivid dreams. I rarely remembered any of my dreams. Dreams don’t usually leave a profound impression on me upon waking up. However, after having some profound dreams in quite a short interval I decided to compile them in a blog. Later, I will also record other vivid memorable dreams that I have long before I have what I write here.

I was window shopping with my grand mother in my kind of shopping complex. My grandmother helps me pick a few t-shirts which I decided not to buy in the end. We just sort of hanging out together.

After a while we decided to go home and while descending the stairs to the dark parking lot there are a few suspicious figures standing. It was a few men wearing militant clothes. Nearing, I saw one of them holding a machine gun. I grabbed my grandmother’s hand and run to our car. We escaped the men who were beginning to run after us.

However, as if that is not scary enough I suddenly found myself inside the shopping complex again with my grandmother. Again we found ourselves descending the stairs. This time I knew there will be militants but we still go on. Naturally, as if they were expecting us this time we did not manage to escape.

We were pushed to join a few hundreds unlucky shoppers: men, women and children outside the shopping complex. There were riots on the street. There were papers flying around. We were surrounded by many green clothed militant holding machine guns. The cars and busses that pass through the area speed as fast as they can to avoid the riot.

Apparently we are all kidnapped to be the militant’s banner man. We are told to hold all kinds of banners for their cause. They wanted civilian to do this because their number were small and wanted to avoid lost of men at all cost. They do not care if we were to die or mistaken as militant. Since we were going to die if we do not do what we were told I proceed with the instruction. We marched to the street holding banners. A bus speed passing us and a few male hostages hops on the bus to escape. When I saw this, I think it’s an opportunity. So I waited for another bus and told my grandmother that we will also jump on the bus. Another bus did come and I jumped on it. However, my grandmother did not manage to do the same. The bus driver mercifully slowed down so that she can catch up. I was shouting for her to grab my hand. She was unable to catch up. She kept shouting telling me to leave her and save myself. Suddenly, without thinking I jumped down from the bus. It sped off leaving us. I ran towards her. The dream ended with us waiting to face our fate for trying to escape.

Upon waking up, I suddenly remember that my grandmother had passed away seven years ago.