I have this deep feeling or piece of mind that i think i want to blog about.
But...sometimes i feel like there is no use. it might just hurt the feelings of some people.
Most of the times i dont really care.
But hey what the hell...as long as i know i dont intend to hurt anyone but all i know is i just have to let this feeling out.
at 2am in the morning of Tuesday it got me thinking that: hey, people can actually count on you for things. but what can you count them on? here you are, throwing up and having food poisoning all alone. you feel like you want to go down, take your car and drive to the nearest 24hrs clinic but you are afraid to go out alone. some names popped out in your head. but you either know they cant help or you feel that you must not trouble them.
at 7.30am you were thinking of getting an MC. you cant go to your legal aid. out of all your legal aid days that you had successfully attended you had to be so sick on the day you got a mid term review. but trying so hard to sustain yourself, you had consumed all necessary medication for your predicament all night long and try to convince yourself that you can hold yourself together until 3pm.
so at 8am you get in your car still feeling sick in your stomach and felt so ill but you just didnt think that you are not focusing and went out until you bumped into the car in front of you. so you said sorry to the guy and told him you're sick, and you're on your way to prison as if that really matter. at the same time you were thinking none of this would have happened if somebody come and get you.
in the end you had to call your supervisor and told him that you dont know if he will believe you or not but you had food poisoning all night long but you still tried coming for him but you got involved in an accident. you were told that you were believed and told you to get a rest. you were just too tired to care if he really did mean it.
so you had no choice but to inform your mother and went to her house and watch her become speechless. you always knew that she will blame you and you being sick is just some minor unimportant detail to the incident. because the most important thing is you were reckless and you had caused so much lost.
so you just keep your silence and then let her vent out until she had no more to say for the time being. so you just walked out and take the car to a workshop. but you had to wait for the car you bumped into to come so you decided to get an MC at the nearest clinic. you waited for one and a half hour for your turn and paid for expensive medication. you were just too tired to argue. and then you hang out at the workshop until everything is sorted out. and you were thinking how tiring it is to be so alone and you never wished to be so.
then the workshop people send you home and you had to silently listen to your mother. and you feel so helpless because your mother gave up on you. in a way you also feel sorry for her because she regretted having forced you to reject all job offers and pursue your pupillage until she realized she had so much to pay for. you also feel sorry for her because its too late for her to regret it. and its kinda break your heart seeing her all worked up like that.
but when the storm is over, you just know that some people will just think that whatever happen to you is just so ordinary. but you just know that everybody got a problem. and you were thinking why the hell you are not entitle to feel crushed to your own problem sometimes. and you feel that it will be so good if people that you want to can come and totally get you and make you feel better. so you go back to square on, thinking the same thing over and over again.
but then you knew that you already lost your faith in them because when their names popped out in your head you didnt call them and told them what happened because you no longer trusted them to be able to pull it off. because you had trusted before. but they failed you. if you cant trust them for simpler things than your current predicament its impossible to trust them with what happened now. and you think why the hell didnt they try to win your trust back. so you just believe that they think you're not worth it which make you further believe that its a good thing you already lose your faith in them.
But...sometimes i feel like there is no use. it might just hurt the feelings of some people.
Most of the times i dont really care.
But hey what the hell...as long as i know i dont intend to hurt anyone but all i know is i just have to let this feeling out.
at 2am in the morning of Tuesday it got me thinking that: hey, people can actually count on you for things. but what can you count them on? here you are, throwing up and having food poisoning all alone. you feel like you want to go down, take your car and drive to the nearest 24hrs clinic but you are afraid to go out alone. some names popped out in your head. but you either know they cant help or you feel that you must not trouble them.
at 7.30am you were thinking of getting an MC. you cant go to your legal aid. out of all your legal aid days that you had successfully attended you had to be so sick on the day you got a mid term review. but trying so hard to sustain yourself, you had consumed all necessary medication for your predicament all night long and try to convince yourself that you can hold yourself together until 3pm.
so at 8am you get in your car still feeling sick in your stomach and felt so ill but you just didnt think that you are not focusing and went out until you bumped into the car in front of you. so you said sorry to the guy and told him you're sick, and you're on your way to prison as if that really matter. at the same time you were thinking none of this would have happened if somebody come and get you.
in the end you had to call your supervisor and told him that you dont know if he will believe you or not but you had food poisoning all night long but you still tried coming for him but you got involved in an accident. you were told that you were believed and told you to get a rest. you were just too tired to care if he really did mean it.
so you had no choice but to inform your mother and went to her house and watch her become speechless. you always knew that she will blame you and you being sick is just some minor unimportant detail to the incident. because the most important thing is you were reckless and you had caused so much lost.
so you just keep your silence and then let her vent out until she had no more to say for the time being. so you just walked out and take the car to a workshop. but you had to wait for the car you bumped into to come so you decided to get an MC at the nearest clinic. you waited for one and a half hour for your turn and paid for expensive medication. you were just too tired to argue. and then you hang out at the workshop until everything is sorted out. and you were thinking how tiring it is to be so alone and you never wished to be so.
then the workshop people send you home and you had to silently listen to your mother. and you feel so helpless because your mother gave up on you. in a way you also feel sorry for her because she regretted having forced you to reject all job offers and pursue your pupillage until she realized she had so much to pay for. you also feel sorry for her because its too late for her to regret it. and its kinda break your heart seeing her all worked up like that.
but when the storm is over, you just know that some people will just think that whatever happen to you is just so ordinary. but you just know that everybody got a problem. and you were thinking why the hell you are not entitle to feel crushed to your own problem sometimes. and you feel that it will be so good if people that you want to can come and totally get you and make you feel better. so you go back to square on, thinking the same thing over and over again.
but then you knew that you already lost your faith in them because when their names popped out in your head you didnt call them and told them what happened because you no longer trusted them to be able to pull it off. because you had trusted before. but they failed you. if you cant trust them for simpler things than your current predicament its impossible to trust them with what happened now. and you think why the hell didnt they try to win your trust back. so you just believe that they think you're not worth it which make you further believe that its a good thing you already lose your faith in them.
A mixed feeling i felt when i finished the last word of yours. All i can say, be strong my dear!Allah always with you and hear you.
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