Sebenarnye

Friday, July 30, 2010

Yang sebenarnye aku Okay. Terbiasa menulis tentang benda2 yang depress kat sini. sangat ironi dengan tajuk blog nih. anggap je la bila aku tak menulis tentang perkara-perkara yang hampeh bahawa aku sedang biasa-biasa aje ataupun hepi.
Minggu ni terasa sangat panjang. tapi sebenarnye aku hepi. banyak peristiwa menarik yg aku join. malas nak cerita. tengok je la gambar kat fb.
btw, semua orang dah kahwin. harap berbahagia.
aku pulak....sentiasa berfikiran terbuka. kalau ada jodoh adalah. setakat ni takde. jadi aku plan cara-cara untuk hidup gembira seorang diri:
1. Ada duit jek pegi melancong
2. ada duit jek beli benda-benda hobi seperti buku2 ataupun kelengkapan fotografi
3. mengambil kelas memasak
4. mengambil kelas fotografi
5. tido ikut suka
6. pegi melancong untuk menangkap gambar
7. buat benda-benda yang orang yg dah ada suami takleh nak wat...apepe je la...ape yg korang takleh wat itulah yg aku nak wat.
8. membaca buku cerita classic sepanjang hari
9. tengok kdorama sepanjang hari
10. tengok jdorama sepanjang hari
11. tengok anime sepanjang hari
12. beli xbox
13. main xbox
14. beli home theatre untuk main xbox
15. melakukan interior design mengikut citarasa sendiri tanpa disangkal oleh sesiapapun
16. duduk di depan komputer sepanjang hari
17. bersikap sambil lewa kerana tidak mempunyai tanggungjawab sebagai isteri mahupun ibu
18. mengerjakan haji dan umrah sebaik sahaja berduit
19. mengsponsor mak bapak mengerjakan haji dan umrah
20. berlagak kaya terhadap mak bapak dengan memberi wang saku yg banyak kerana tidak perlu menyara suami ataupun anak-anak
21. mengikuti kelas pengajian al-Quran
22. mengikuti kelas ceramah agama dan penghayatan Quran yg best dan tidak berkira tentang yuran kerana tiada yuran sekolah anak2 yg perlu dibayar.
23. melakukan kerja-kerja amal kerana mempunyai masa terluang
24. keluar rumah sesuka hati kerana tidak perlu minta izin suami
25. membeli baju sesuka hati
26. membeli belah tak ingat dunia
27. membeli peralatan memasak seperti oven, pan, pots etc yg sgt canggih dan membuang masa di dapur untuk mecipta resepi
28. memasak benda-benda pelik dan tak sedap namun tidak dikomen oleh sesiapa pun

whoa, aku pun rasa takjub dengan list yg panjang ni. sebenarnye banyak lagi bleh letak tapi aku dah malas. bila aku sendiri baca list yg aku sendiri buat aku sedar bahawa sekarang pun aku sudah happy. walaupun ada benda yang dalam list tu aku masih tak mampu nak buat tapi sekiranya benar2 terjadi yang aku akan bersendirian aku berasa yakin yang aku akan dapat hidup dengan bermakna. walaupun ada jugak perkara-perkara tak bertanggungjawab aku nak buat dalam list tu tapi aku harap ia dapat diseimbangkan dengan banyak lagi benda berfaedah yang aku nak buat.
sebenarnye hidup dengan pasangan ataupun hidup seorang diri. kedua-duanya tidak lepas dari masalah emosi. hidup seorang diri mestilah kadangkala diserang perasaan sunyi dan bermacam-macam lagilah yang agak tensen untuk dinyatakan. tetapi hidup dengan pasangan pun ada jugak masalahnya. tidak juga dijamin lepas dari masalah emosi yang dihadapi oleh orang yg menyendiri. ada orang dah kahwin pun macam tak kahwin jugak. memang kita berharap yang hidup ini lebih mudah jika ditempuhi dengan seorang lagi teman a.k.a partner. tetapi tidak semua partnership berjaya dan tidak semua sole proprietorship itu gagal.
adakah aku di dalam denial? sebab itukah aku berpendapat begini?
peduli apa aku.

Huh

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

I have this deep feeling or piece of mind that i think i want to blog about.
But...sometimes i feel like there is no use. it might just hurt the feelings of some people.
Most of the times i dont really care.
But hey what the hell...as long as i know i dont intend to hurt anyone but all i know is i just have to let this feeling out.
at 2am in the morning of Tuesday it got me thinking that: hey, people can actually count on you for things. but what can you count them on? here you are, throwing up and having food poisoning all alone. you feel like you want to go down, take your car and drive to the nearest 24hrs clinic but you are afraid to go out alone. some names popped out in your head. but you either know they cant help or you feel that you must not trouble them.

at 7.30am you were thinking of getting an MC. you cant go to your legal aid. out of all your legal aid days that you had successfully attended you had to be so sick on the day you got a mid term review. but trying so hard to sustain yourself, you had consumed all necessary medication for your predicament all night long and try to convince yourself that you can hold yourself together until 3pm.

so at 8am you get in your car still feeling sick in your stomach and felt so ill but you just didnt think that you are not focusing and went out until you bumped into the car in front of you. so you said sorry to the guy and told him you're sick, and you're on your way to prison as if that really matter. at the same time you were thinking none of this would have happened if somebody come and get you.
in the end you had to call your supervisor and told him that you dont know if he will believe you or not but you had food poisoning all night long but you still tried coming for him but you got involved in an accident. you were told that you were believed and told you to get a rest. you were just too tired to care if he really did mean it.
so you had no choice but to inform your mother and went to her house and watch her become speechless. you always knew that she will blame you and you being sick is just some minor unimportant detail to the incident. because the most important thing is you were reckless and you had caused so much lost.
so you just keep your silence and then let her vent out until she had no more to say for the time being. so you just walked out and take the car to a workshop. but you had to wait for the car you bumped into to come so you decided to get an MC at the nearest clinic. you waited for one and a half hour for your turn and paid for expensive medication. you were just too tired to argue. and then you hang out at the workshop until everything is sorted out. and you were thinking how tiring it is to be so alone and you never wished to be so.
then the workshop people send you home and you had to silently listen to your mother. and you feel so helpless because your mother gave up on you. in a way you also feel sorry for her because she regretted having forced you to reject all job offers and pursue your pupillage until she realized she had so much to pay for. you also feel sorry for her because its too late for her to regret it. and its kinda break your heart seeing her all worked up like that.
but when the storm is over, you just know that some people will just think that whatever happen to you is just so ordinary. but you just know that everybody got a problem. and you were thinking why the hell you are not entitle to feel crushed to your own problem sometimes. and you feel that it will be so good if people that you want to can come and totally get you and make you feel better. so you go back to square on, thinking the same thing over and over again.
but then you knew that you already lost your faith in them because when their names popped out in your head you didnt call them and told them what happened because you no longer trusted them to be able to pull it off. because you had trusted before. but they failed you. if you cant trust them for simpler things than your current predicament its impossible to trust them with what happened now. and you think why the hell didnt they try to win your trust back. so you just believe that they think you're not worth it which make you further believe that its a good thing you already lose your faith in them.