Lost Love

During recent semester break, I had another profound dream.

A police officer asks for my hand in marriage from my parents. He offered rm60, 000.00 as the mahr. I am a person that thinks love should not be the strongest reason for getting married although if there is love it is all the better. Since I do not have any other commitment towards any other man, I agreed to the proposal. I accepted on two grounds; the man looked like he loves me very much, and also because the mahr is ridiculously delicious.

After marriage, I cannot help feeling that he is not the kind of guy that I had in mind at all. He was a bachelor but he is too old for me. He is also not handsome nor is he cute at all.

We lived together in a house. He provides for me more than enough and loves me very much. I kept my dislike for him just with myself. I did not tell him how I feel. I don’t see any point of telling him because I think I can live like that. I don’t mind living with him and I also do not mind not live with him.

I do not know how long had passed after our marriage ceremony but we continue our live together and he worked as usual as detective at police station. Perhaps he saw the coldness in me towards him and never brings up the subject of consummation. Apart from being cold, I did not create reasons for him to be angry with me. I do my duty to his house the best I can. Naturally, I am a responsible person where I feel the people I’m responsible with deserve it.

After some unknown time, he carefully brings up the subject of wanting children. I did not promise him anything but went to have medical check up to see whether I can bear children. Shockingly I was diagnosed with deadly illness that can be transmitted trough sexual intercourse and can cause death to the infected person. They even had a term as a name of that disease that I had forgotten. Weirdly, that disease is harmless to me. I went home and told him about it. He cried and looked broken hearted. He said he wanted children with me. i was moved. I never told him that I wanted divorce but at that time I think divorce is better for him. As for me, I still have no feeling for him but do not mind living with him. But my heart wanted a divorce.

After a while, he went to me and said he will divorce me because he knew that I wanted divorce. He was all teary and looked like he wishes this is not happening. I can feel his love all around me. At that moment I fell in love with him. But not a drop of tear came from me. I agreed to his suggestion thinking it is for the best because I cannot bear children for him. It is better if he is free to marry another less deadly woman.

We divorced but he said he wants me to keep my mahr and the house. I knew that legally it cannot be mine because we never consummated our marriage. But he insisted. I was heart broken because I loved him now.

While I was nursing my heart, I received information that he accepted a mission to investigate something all the way on some mountain top - alone. Somehow I received another information that a van full of head hunters is on the way to the mountain to kill him. I went to his drawer in the house and saw that he had left his gun. I decided to bring the gun to him. I don’t want him to die and I am not going to let him die.

Nobody dared to take me to the mountain top. Later, I found myself climbing the mountain with a gun in my hand. I prayed that I can reach there on time. My heart is heavy with anxiety. Suddenly I saw a white van full of men with armed with parangs and guns. It overtakes me and I was stopped in my track thinking that I will never see him again.

When I woke up, I forgot about the ending of the dream. But the feeling of being loved was so strong and I was moved. I am not that lucky in real life.